Meatpixel wishes all of you the best for 2009. Tip: Keep rotgut in empty bottles of the good stuff to serve once your guests’ taste buds are sufficiently anesthetized. They’ll never know the difference.

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, ‘Kin ya swallar?’
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, ‘Kin ya breathe?’
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.
His partner says, ‘Ya know, I’d heerd of that there ‘Hind Lick Maneuver’ but I ain’t niver seed nobody do it!’

1. Heat an iron skillet with olive oil. Not too hot. You don’t want it to smoke.
2. Boil water.
3. Add four or five chicken breast tenderloins to skillet. Use a lid to protect you from spattering oil if they’re frozen.
4. Boil spaghetti.
5. Cook tenderloins until they start to turn slightly tan on each side (you’ll have to turn them once).
6. Heat half a jar of spaghetti sauce in microwave (I like Newman’s Own Sockarooni Sauce). Cover with paper towel, or you’ll get yelled at. Use low power for a couple minutes.
7. Drain spaghetti. Dump into bowl with sauce.
8. Put tenderloins on top of spaghetti, ‘all-covered-with-cheese,’ if you like.
9. Turn off stove.
10. Eat.

• Obama-Hillary: Why do the Clintons hate their party so much? A self-destructing ticket.
• Obama-Edwards: Plastic Man doesn’t do it for me. He faded in the stretch last time. Lawyer.
• Obama-Kerry: Not likely at all. But getting warmer. Still creepy.
• Obama-Gore: A dark horse, but one I could live with. Al has tons of capital sitting around from AIT. Instant cred and enough ‘whiteness’ to more than dilute the creeping fear some Dem crackers still may have about voting for a black prez. Al would also be more than a match for whomever the GOP picks for veepee. I would pay money to see a Huckster/Al fried-squirrel-cage deathmatch faceoff. And with the icecaps melting and $5/gal. gas, people just might listen to him this time. Great powerpoints.

link. I’ve always categorized people into two groups: Given a 50-50 shot of survival, would you get on the rocket tomorrow to colonize Mars? Group A, please queue to the left; Darwin wants a word with you.